chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
