i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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