What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
