not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
