apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
