He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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