Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
