This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
