she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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