we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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