Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
