Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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