On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
