just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
