my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
