I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
