peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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