All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
