oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
