Just took my morning after pill in the library
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My life is pants optional.
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