I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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