Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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