I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
