She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
