Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
