Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
