At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Pants are for mortals
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
