i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
