I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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