Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
FUCK WHALES
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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