I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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