Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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