dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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