i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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