Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i think my cat just said my name.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
