Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
