Who wears a wallet chain?!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
