I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
