So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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