In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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