yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
