Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
