She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
