I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
