We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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