Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i now understand why vodka
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
