My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I want to be your penis for a week.
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I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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