You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
