the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
