No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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