He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
