Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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