I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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