A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
