Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
