You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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