do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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