I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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