dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
