well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just had sex on a roof
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
