We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
