Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
