i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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